Jeff Brown, as seen on FoxNews.com, read on Good Morning America, heard on CBS, ABC.Au, NPR & New Dimensions
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APOLOGIES TO THE DIVINE FEMININE (from a warrior in transition)


I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing with the battlefields of yore. When I opened my heart too wide, I was vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe that I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far, and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts. I am seeing this now and I am sorry.


I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war. Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other side of the battlefield. I now recognize that love is the antidote for the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies, my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that it just perpetuated the madness. I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world. I couldn’t distinguish the healthy, confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the wrong direction.

I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know that the path you longed for was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame, but that won’t make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right- the real me lives inside of my heart- but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration. I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all. I will meet you there.

May you feel the love of the Divine Mother crashing down on your heartfelt shores, graciously lifting you up above the madness of the world, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have nurtured. Those of us who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and infusing us with love’s light. Thank you.

© Jeff Brown, 2010 (www.soulshaping.com) published September 20th, 2010
original blog link- http://soulshaping.com/?p=782

The related “APOLOGIES TO THE SACRED MASCULINE” can be read here..
http://soulshaping.com/?p=972

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Comments

Comment from Alfonso Costa
Time April 12, 2011 at 3:53 pm

You are the dude. I resisted this last fall but it got to me somehow. Come through Vancouver and dinner on me.

Comment from esther
Time April 13, 2011 at 8:50 am

Its good you put this clearly on the website. Your original blog is hard to find on your blog list. I am sharing this on FB. It is sheer effervescence

Comment from Jennifer T
Time April 14, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Looking forward to seeing you read the Apologies at Amazing Woman’s Day. If you do a worldwide tour, I want to film it for the world to enjoy. The shift

Comment from katherin
Time April 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

this makes me so happy and sad and hopeful and inspired all at the same time!! from a “princess” in transition, THANK YOU!!!

Pingback from please be good humans // PBGH Walks a Mile in Her Shoes
Time April 28, 2011 at 1:48 am

[…] Jeff Brown’s amazing book “Soulshaping“, and his writing “Apologies to the Divine Feminine“ […]

Comment from j
Time May 3, 2011 at 7:37 pm

this has come to me in so many ways – i needed to hear it to see it to feel it taste it to simply bath in as a salve to heal my deep wounds -;- thank you so much for writing this for planting the seed of its intent -;- my ears have never heard nor my eyes ever seen such a thing so my heart knows that you are planting seeds of healing so that we both can arise as whole, sacred and divine feminine and masculine beings -;- thank you so much -j-

Comment from Sarah Spector
Time May 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Lovely. Shared it on Facebook.

Comment from tanya
Time June 20, 2011 at 6:52 am

thank you for capturing our human journey
love and light

Comment from Lisa
Time July 26, 2011 at 7:15 am

Thankyou.

Comment from Butterfly
Time August 1, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Wow! Thank you for sharing of your heart and soul. You have touched my heart, and your word will help me heal and take a step forward towards the bridge across forever. Look forward to see you there.

Comment from Lisa
Time October 2, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Simply beautiful…

Comment from Rosie Hirst
Time December 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Thankyou. I am already overcommitted with training and working. This course looks perfect for the many who are not yet clear on their contribution. Thankyou for your wonderful work.

Comment from Scott
Time January 31, 2012 at 12:21 am

Very poignant a shift of my assemblage point,
Thank you….

Comment from Susanna
Time February 5, 2012 at 5:38 am

Amazing !!! So lovely to read such wonderfeel heartfelt words and see through mans eyes and heart xxx I spent many years helping women this will help them so much to see the male point view xxx

Comment from JULIE
Time February 26, 2012 at 11:27 am

all that is she, forgives you and never ever left you
x

Comment from Slava
Time June 7, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Great article, thank you again for writing!

Comment from Belinda
Time August 30, 2012 at 6:49 am

Your apology could come from my own ex warrior in enemy territory, it rings so true. A man of such beautiful potential but so riddled with darkness it ultimately destroyed us; I loved him with all my heart and yet that alone could not save him. Now after so much pain from love it is difficult to have hope for a true love-ship; your apology though is a place to start and I thank you for sharing your truth.

Comment from Jeanne
Time September 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I so needed to read this today as I am letting go of yet another man that I thought was farther along on his heart journey. I am shedding tears of sadness, anger, delight, joy, hope….

Comment from Shani
Time December 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

Thank you Jeff for this…it was what I needed to read right now. tears are flowing freely

Comment from Sharon
Time December 15, 2012 at 12:31 am

I accept your sincere apology, my brave warrior, for I see that you have fought a good fight, and have risen above all that sought to destroy you.
I wish that I could have been the one to help you through the dark night, to shine a light on the pathway, but it wasn’t to be. Oh, how I tried! I longed to be the one who would take you by the hand and lead you to heaven. We had glimpses, when our hearts met briefly during love-making, and I was able to melt the walls around you with my tenderness, but it didn’t last long. You felt vulnerable and pushed me away again.
I could see who you were beneath your armour-I felt like I was the only one. I thought that if I just gave you enough love that everything would be alright and you would feel safe and cherished.
Oh, how my heart broke when I received hatred and brutality in return for my kindness. It felt as though my chest would implode upon itself and I would die of grief. How many tears did I shed as I recoiled into myself after an attack from you? I couldn’t understand why you hurt so, that you would destroy the very one trying to help you. But that was the way of the warrior-to rape and plunder all in his path, including his beloved.
I would dream of us together, in a heavenly place, sitting in green grass under a shady tree, surrounded by animals, our cottage nearby. We would lie in the fields and caress each other, no more pain. But that was not the way it was in reality.
I must apologise to you too, my beloved warrior, because I gave up on you, deserted you in my anguish. I was battle weary, exhausted, defeated. I walked away from you and from love altogether. My heart became as hard as yours. I believed that real love only existed in my dreams, not here on earth. I felt sure that my true love was waiting for me in heaven. Even when I tried to take my life after your last brutal attack, I believed he was waiting for me with open arms. But it was not my time. I am still here, surviving, but not really living. I am happy for you, dear warrior, that you have found peace. I realise now that you had to do it alone, without my help, for I too needed to be alone to heal.
God speed, my love, and when we meet again, as I know we will, may we both remember who we are and join as one and rest in each other’s arms. The battle is over now, let us repose in love.

Comment from Nancy
Time December 27, 2012 at 1:22 am

I will meet you there.

Comment from Carell
Time February 7, 2013 at 7:09 pm

Beautiful. Thank You! May there be more of this kind of man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment from Heather
Time March 5, 2013 at 4:46 am

This Apology moved me to tears. Its the most beautiful, validating thing I have ever taken in. Thank you from the deepest depths of my soul. Thank you for being a man that ‘sees’ & ‘gets’ it all. This Apology is aiding in healing soul cuts, for me, from the male souls I love. There are no words to express how profound and healing this is. Bless your soul 🙂 NAMASTE

Comment from Kathleen
Time May 2, 2013 at 3:22 pm

It is the apology I long for! I was there. I held him when he said he didn’t want to live with the disease anymore. The seductress came and unleased his darkness. Yet, it has to be this way, for I am awakening! Thank you for this!

Comment from Eileen
Time May 17, 2013 at 12:04 am

I posted this message on my Facebook page and this is the response of someone and my response back.

Facebook Page Liker: WOW! Like someone spoke to all & to me.Amazing to read it in words. Thanks, Eileen.
My Response: Yes, the voice of the Unseen LOVE came through this amazing man and like you it spoke directly to my Heart and was like a healing balm.

Comment from Kim
Time June 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Hi Jeff, It took me several times to read this. Each time my emotions would well up. The third time I read it I pretended that every man that has ever violated me wrote this to me. In a crazy kind of way I felt a healing. I move forward with a deep Thank You to you. The light in me bows to the light in you.

Comment from Lea
Time August 15, 2013 at 9:53 am

Today I listened to you Jeff being interviewed by Maureen Moss and I was drawn to visit your website to read this beautiful piece of your soul to speaking to mine…..thankyou so much for your openheartedness and vulnerability as I too embrace my own. Namaste.

Comment from Sherry Blades
Time September 29, 2013 at 10:00 pm

Sending Love and Peace. Thank You!

Comment from Solodad Maria
Time September 30, 2013 at 1:19 pm

Respect and blessings for this heartfelt message and its resonance with the masculine and the silence of the male being identified and expressed as a place of deep longing to be heard ………….spoken for the many men who cannot find the words or the heart to understand their true identity amidst the feminine and her love for humanity and life ………..

Comment from Orla
Time November 1, 2013 at 3:32 am

So beautiful and beautifully written! I am so grateful that you wrote this! Thank you!

Comment from Spence
Time January 14, 2014 at 2:35 am

Thank you Jeff for expressing and sharing this truth and wisdom in a way that I have longed to but could never get the words.
I feel like this is on behalf of all of us spiritual warriors and goes some way to begin to show how we feel towards the divine feminine, although words will always fall short of the feeling.
Iam so grateful to have found this and so grateful that women all over the world will see this and begin to understand that we want so much to love you like you ache to be loved but we have to slay so many dragons along the way.
Words can;t express my gratitude.

Comment from Sean Croake
Time January 22, 2014 at 8:36 pm

You are a very wise soul! I have been needing to read and connect like this for a long time. I thank you for such a clear door for me to pass and move forward in my journey. I have never believed any spiritual guidance before. I have found doubt in them all. Thank you again for helping me removing my doubt. I am a true warrior and look forward to your wisdom. I have finally found my spiritual path.

Comment from KR
Time February 5, 2014 at 7:35 am

Like so many others have stated in the comments, reading this was like reading something composed specifically for me. I have been through this story so many times in my life, and it is the source of so much pain and confusion. It has led me, at times, to want out of this world because I felt I couldn’t bear it. I’ve picked up the pieces many times, and each time I glue them together a bit stronger, try to glean lessons and share them with others on similar paths. I’m in a good place now. But, still…reading this was a soothing balm on very old scars. Such healing. I wept openly while reading it, for many reasons: the pain of remembering, of identification, but also for the relief. I’ve always known my soul needed this apology. I had long given up on receiving it. I never thought it would come to me in this way, and create so much restoration. I think I’ll print these words out, fold the paper and keep it with me. Just in case I forget (as we do), that these wounds have been soothed and can now heal. Grateful. Grateful.

Comment from Monique
Time February 11, 2014 at 12:28 am

Brilliant. You are most welcome. My joy receives yours.

Comment from Eira Kynthia
Time February 14, 2014 at 2:52 am

You have so poetically articulated not only the masculine apologetic heart of men, you have shown that the masculine ‘gender’ represents the masculine mindset and diminished heartfelt qualitities in all of us. I am retired US Army and understand the ‘masculine gender tendencies I possess in an unbalanced nature which disrespected the Divine Feminism within my very ‘Being- as a woman. Check out my book ‘Wo-Man’ as I share a huge WHY this exists within our beginning as depicted in the Divine writings of the most read book in the world, The Holy Bible. Thank you and may your spirit soar to higher levels than even you could imagine.

Comment from Kirsty
Time February 22, 2014 at 8:08 am

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Comment from Angela
Time March 14, 2014 at 12:49 pm

I cried and wept so much as I read this. I actually couldn’t read it all in one go. I had to stop, put it down and come back to it. I cannot describe how it made me feel, I can only say that I felt my heart open up and trust a little more. Much love Xx

Comment from Melissa
Time April 17, 2014 at 2:38 am

I choose to forgive you <3 Thank you for being you!

Comment from Carolyn
Time April 29, 2014 at 6:08 pm

Such deep tears.

Read that as if it were written by my past lover. That was BEYOND INTENSE. PERFECT. TEARS WERE IMMENSE. HEALING WAS STRONGER than I can even fathom right now. U R th bomb. GRACIAS from the depths of my egoic an non egoic soul X MWAH>. x

Comment from Divine Jewels
Time July 1, 2014 at 3:54 am

WOW! Thank-you from the depths of my Heart Soul and Being! SO timely SO synchronistic SO healing! I SO needed to read this today!.So much possibility! Bless you. l forgive you. I Love you. You are Divine Innocent Eternal and my Divine mirror Beloved.

Comment from Mary Varricchio
Time December 6, 2014 at 8:56 pm

Brought such tears from my heart and spirit. Thank you for such brutal honesty. Bridging the gap one step at a time. Namaste’

Comment from Rahel
Time January 12, 2015 at 8:40 pm

What a gift this has been for me! Your courage to open your heart so widely and pour out this message of healing to the world has helped me heal in more ways than I can understand and has inspired me to NEVER EVER hold back in expressing my truth. No words can adequately express my gratitude. Simply I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love…

Comment from Paula
Time January 25, 2015 at 4:32 pm

This is amazing.

Comment from Michele Hirsch
Time February 26, 2015 at 9:00 pm

This moved me to tears.

Comment from Lorna
Time May 2, 2015 at 12:28 am

Jeff – so much of this was expressed to me by my solemate (a word I learned from you, thanks to you), during our awakening into our divine masculine and feminine essences. I am writing my memoir, which is our love story – a story of this awakening and union. I really hope your new book tour takes you through Chicago so I can meet you!

Comment from B
Time June 16, 2015 at 2:21 pm

Thank you, thank you; Thank you so, so much from the bottom of my heart

Comment from Anthony Blanton
Time July 3, 2015 at 3:51 am

Great message Jeff! Interestingly, as a former male warrior, I found this is a letter I would have loved to have received from my last ex, a narcissistic female. So yes, this can apply equally to both genders, and yes, let’s hope all of us wake up to our true hearts and souls soon, very soon. True Love will free us all! Blessings.

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